I know what my problem is

The plague of adulterated R&R.

I have a problem. It's a problem that's keeping me chronically at 50% of my real happiness level.

It is especially strange to acknowledge this as a person who believes that he already has it all.

I'm married to a woman whom I've known since secondary school, so dating and having a dependable life partner is not something I have to worry about. That is one big source of adult woes, eliminated long ago.

I have deliberated for a long time about having kids. But we talked about it, ding-donged for the longest time, and at 31 years old, I became a dad. Another big source of uncertainty, gone. And our daughter is, in my opinion, turning out well, which helps me worry less about her and our future together (less is relative, I know).

I'm living in a city of my own choosing. Heck, I'm living in a country of my own choosing (born in Singapore, moved to Germany). After 4 years in Berlin, we moved to the smaller city of Düsseldorf, and we're at least 5x happier. And we weren't even unhappy in Berlin!

Okay, but what about work? Well, I'm a software engineer who gets to work from home everyday. My coworkers are smart and kind. When I’m done with work, I shut the clamshell and commute 5 seconds to my living room to be with the 2 loveliest girls in my life. I have it good here, too.

So… Married life – good.

Parent life – good.

Personal life, work life, and health — good, good, good.

So why do I still feel like I'm always not as happy as I could be? What's weighing me down? That is the question, and I may have the answer.

I think the problem is this: I too often spend my free time trying to create value.

The problem with always trying to level up

After work, for example, after putting our kid to bed, after chatting with my wife in bed for 10-20 minutes, I might sit at my desk and try and bang out an essay for my newsletter (creating value to the my handful of longtime readers and my personal brand). Or hand-scribble an idea for a business on my notebook (creating value for customers that would increase my income). Or read a nonfiction book that I believe could provide insights that help me get a work promotion (creating value to my employer, who then pays me more).

Behind all these things that I make myself do with the 2 hours before bed (yes, it is brutal as a parent) is the desire to unlock the next level of the game. To get the spoils and see the new map.

Aside from money, or perhaps I should, more than money, I would also like to experience a breakthrough moment.

Like, you know, when an unknown YouTuber suddenly gains the attention of thousands of new followers by consistently creating honestly-good videos that she thoroughly enjoyed creating. I want to experience something like that.

But the problem is that this desire, which drives me to do all of these things that I don't fully enjoy doing in the evenings, is actively preventing me from enjoying those 2 hours of my life in ways that feel right to me.

By always trying to be productive in my hours before bed, I continually rob myself of the unbridled joy of doing whatever it is that I actually want to do in the only true free time I have in a day.

Depending on the time of the day you ask me, I might really want to...

• rewatch Inception or The Mentalist,

• purge a messy and nagging thought into typed words like I'm doing now,

• chat about life with my wife,

• paint or build something to surprise my daughter the next morning,

• read Dune (or some other work of fiction) now that I've seen the movie and adore it,

• or a hundred other things.

But then I stop myself!

That would take away time from Project X that could be a hit!

You're an adult, for god's sake. Act like one! You don't deserve free time as a parent. That ship sailed the moment she was born. Now get your ass to work!

You are never going to have that breakthrough if you do not put in the work, you lazy bugger!

That's the other thing that I've realised, by the way. There's a lot of internal guilt-tripping that reduces the fun even more. It is a bit like counting your period to have sex to maximise the chances of getting a baby. It’s scientific but boy does it make the deed a chore.

I want to point out that productivity, even in the late evenings, is not the enemy. Right now, for example, I'm happy to be spending 1-2 hours "banging" out this essay. Why? Because I needed to get this in writing, to get it off my chest and probe it and clarify it. I feel fantastic about spending my time tonight in this way. It just happens to be productive.

The enemy is not productivity. It is the productivity mindset.

Doing something is awesome. Thinking that we need to be doing something valuable ALL. THE. TIME. is a slow march to the gates of jadedness and depression.

Parting thoughts

There is a video that pops into my mind every time I think about how good things could be. How relaxed I could be without worrying about being productive in the evenings, and what beauty that relaxed state of mind could, counterintuitively, produce.

The video is of me tasting coffee for the first time after a No-Coffee experiment that lasted for 11 days. In this video I felt completely comfortable in front of the camera. I just talked like a normal human being/ I had no agenda for filming it other than to record something for myself to watch it in the future, should I ever wonder what it was like to go without coffee for a period of time.

I think one of the most uncomplicated solutions to this problem is to simply not give a fuck anymore about doing valuable things outside of work.

Reclaim R&R time and let it be what it is: for binge watching shit. For doing frivolous things that bring a smile to my face. For being irresponsible knowing I am actually being responsible because I am taking care of my self. For finally enjoying the 100% of my real happiness that is already here.

And whenever I find myself bored of being so rested and recreational, I can go do something productive.

// Nick

P.S. Here is part of that video of me talking about drinking coffee after 11 days of abstinence as your refreshment for reading the whole post: